Those who know me well, may find this hard to read. I think it is time for me to make a confession. It is not something that I confess to lightly, and believe me when I say that this is not easy to write. If you have known me at almost any stage of my life, you would know that I profess to be a Christian. I have proclaimed my faith in God for a long time. The relationship hasn't always been perfect. I've tried my best to not blame God when things went wrong, with varying degrees of success. I've made numerous efforts to study the Bible, again with varying degrees of success. I've been actively involved in most of the churches that I have attended over the years. I felt that my belief system was fairly solid, built on a Rock.
Now comes the hard part. Over the past year, I have watched as my faith has seemed to melt away, and my belief system fall down. I can't explain why. I just have watched my faith in the power of God dwindle to nothing. I still know all the right things to say and do, but I don't feel like there is much behind it all. My prayers have felt like empty words, the text in the Bible seems like Greek to me (No, I am not reading a Greek version of the Bible), and my ability to believe in an Almighty God seems to have diminished.
There was a time when I had no doubts about my faith. I will freely admit that I haven't always been the best example of Christian Faith. I've done things of which I am not proud. But, my faith was always the guiding light to pull me up when I was down. But, it seems that as I have grown older, and more cynical, the old faith just doesn't seem to be there anymore.
I don't know when this started; it has been going on for quite some time. But, I know that I have been in denial for a long, long time. I have been like an alcoholic who refuses to admit that he has a problem. But, I feel like I have reached a "Crisis of Faith" that requires that I either give up on my faith all together or try to rekindle what once was. It is not just a case of getting back into a routine of prayer and Bible study; it goes far deeper than that. This is about what I believe. It is about the fundamentals of my spiritual belief system. I'm talking about the most basic questions of faith.
How did it get like this? I don't know. I would love to blame it on my job, or maybe the busyness of life, but excuses are not what I need right now. Neither do I need the usual Christian cliches that are so frequently tossed around at times like this. What I need is answers, solid answers about faith, God, and spirituality. I need to return to the very root of faith, to the very heart of believing in an unseen God. And that is my first hurdle, believing in someone that I can't see or hear or touch.
So, here I stand at the crossroads. One direction leads to a complete disassociation of my faith, giving up all together. The other direction leads to a relearning, a rebuilding of what I once knew. Neither path is easy. One is just as hard as the other. I need to decide, because I can't simply stand where I am forever. If you know me well enough, you probably know what path I am going to take. I am going back to the beginning, to the very beginning of faith, to learn how to believe again.
It's not going to be easy, especially for me. The saying "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" jumps to mind. I have three dogs, so I know how difficult teaching them tricks can be. I will post occasion updates on my journey. It will be a long journey. I just hope that I have the strength to complete it.
If you are a fan of my books, do not be concerned. This will still be your blog of choice to keep up on my latest releases and random musings.